Mama dan Aku

Pukul 11.48 malam, selepas mengulit anakku tidur... Aku keluar dari bilik tidur utama, ke meja studyku untuk menyambung study. Perkara pertama yang aku lakukan adalah memeriksa telefon bimbitku, Nokia E72, pengganti sementara kerana Blackberry Bold 9700 aku telah membuat aksi akrobatik, terjunan bebas ke dalam mangkuk tandas dari atas sink..

"Eh! Ada miss call! Siapa pulak yang menalipon aku malam-malam hari begini..".. pikirku sendiri.

"Ha? Mama, call dari Malaysia!". Hatiku merasa sedikit cemas, tapi dapat mengagak.. Perbezaan masa Malaysia dan Canada adalah 12 jam. Bermakna, Malaysia sekarang jam 1148 pagi.

"Ini mesti Mama risau pasal phone Blackberry aku yang telah menjadi arwah itu.." aku mencongak sendiri.

Sepantas kilat, aku memakai earphone ke telinga dan menekan keyboard untuk call handphone Mama, menggunakan Skype... Yelah, jauh aku duduk dari Mama.. Beribu-ribu kilometer dan sehari perjalanan dengan kapal terbang....

Deringan talipon tiba-tiba terhenti dan terdengar suara Mama ku, yang kurindukan, yang kusayang, yang telah membesarkan aku dengan kasih sayang yang melimpah ruah, semenjak aku dikandung di dalam kandungannya lagi...

"Hello Dek!..." ... suara Mama kedengaran amat risau..

"Ya, Mama! Mama apa khabar?".. aku menjawap..

"Mama sihat Dek, Wae pun sihat.. Dek apa khabar? Sihat?".. Mama bertanya penuh kerisauan..

"Dek sihat Mama! Bakpo Mama?".. aku bertanya kerana risau sekali bunyinya suara Mama..

"Tak, Mama tadi risau.. masa dalam kereta, Mama baca BBM, dalam Group HAMSHI duduk kalut kata Dek dalam kesusahan.. perlu life support.. perlu bantuan.. Mama baru sampai dari KL, dari wedding Jaja.. tak tahu kepala ekor, tiba-tiba baca mesej dalam BBM macamtu... Mama senyap dan berdebar-debar sepanjang perjalanan dalam kereta sehingga sampai ke rumah Illa, Mama minta tolong dia explain mengenai BBM tu...".. jelas Mama panjang lebar..

"Owhh.. itu.. siyyenyo ko Mama... itu pasal phone BB Dek yang terjatuh dalam toilet aje tu Mama! Saja dema ni kghenak...".. aku membalas..

"Tu lah, Illa dan explain untuk Mama tadi.. lega Mama rasa. Tak apalah Dek, kata lah dari Allah dia datang dan kepada Allah juga dia kembali... redhalah.. Allah ambil phone aja.. minta Dia gantikan dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik lagi!".. Mama cuba untuk memujuk dan menenangkan aku...

Yer.. itu lah Mama aku... Sentiasa akan risau jikalau dia tahu ada perkara yang merisaukan aku atau jika dia tahu aku di dalam kesusahan.. Tidak pernah berubah dari dulu, semenjak aku berumur sehari sehinggakan sekarang, aku sudah berumur 39 tahun, 4 bulan dan 21 hari (alhamdulillah), sudah berumahtangga dan sudah mempunyai anak sendiri.. Risau Mama tetap sama... Ini baru satu cerita pasal kerisauan Mama terhadap aku dan anak-anaknya... Terlalu banyak kalau mahu ku ceritakan di sini... Aku sentiasa memanjatkan kesyukuran kepada Illahi kerana membesar di dalam kasih sayang Mama dan doa dari Mama yang tidak pernah putus-putus. Aku dapat merasakannya.. dan doa seorang ibu, tidak akan ada hijab dengan Allah... umpama direct telecast... atau bak kata orang Kelantan.. sapa slaluh! Dan aku yakin, kerana dengan doa Mama lah aku selamat, diRahmati dan diLindungi Allah, sihat sejahtera dan tenang serta berjaya mencapai kejayaan demi kejayaan sehingga sekarang.... Syukur alhamdulillah.

Post blog aku kali ini, ingin aku mengimbas kembali, kenangan yang aku lalui dari kecil sehingga kini bersama Mama....

Ikan terubuk dan ikan kerisi goreng adalah ikan kegemaranku semenjak kecil lagi. Kedua-duanya mempunyai tulang-tulang yang mencabar.. Satu banyak tulang dan satu lagi tulang keras. Tetapi, seingat aku, masa kecil-kecil dulu terutamanya, Mama tidak pernah merungut apabila aku meminta untuk makan ikan tersebut. Mama akan pastikan ikan itu tersaji untuk makan tengahari dan tanpa jemu dia akan peghisi ikan itu, mengasingkan tulang dengan isinya supaya memastikan aku dapat menikmatinya dengan selamat... Tanpa jemu, malahan dengan penuh kasih sayang... Kadang-kadang, aku makan lebih laju dari speed Mama peghisi ikan itu... Masa itu, aku tidak sedar... Nasi panas berasap di dalam pinggan mama sudah tidak berasap.... Satu mulut pun belum disuap ke mulut akibat sibuk memproses ikan untuk aku.... Sedangkan orang lain, sudah mahu sampai ke penghujung makan.... Tapi, sekarang, setelah aku mempunyai anak sendiri dan melakukan perkara yang sama kepada anakku, barulah aku sedar dan lebih menghargai semua pengorbanan Mama itu... Ini baru sedikit pengorbanan mama... Banyak lagi kalau hendak ku tuliskan di sini..... Terima kasih Mama!! Terima kasih di atas kasih sayang melimpah ruah dan tidak bertepi itu...

Aku tidak belajar di sekolah asrama penuh... Sekolah aku, sekolah kebangsaan biasa, Sekolah Menengah Zainab, Kota Bharu, yang bagi aku sekolah yang luar biasa kerana ianya memberikan impak yang begitu besar dalam hidupku dengan kenangan manis yang jika aku imbas sehingga kini, masih membuatkanku mengukir senyuman di bibirku yang mulus ini (hahahaha... KOYA..). Rakan-rakan sekolah yang masih bersahabat sehingga kini dan cikgu-cikgu yang masih mengenali dan mengingati namaku, walaupun sudah lebih 20 tahun aku meninggalkannya... Sebab aku tidak ke asrama penuh, adalah kerana Mama mahu aku dekat dengannya dan aku lebih lagi tidak berminat ke asrama penuh... Dan sememangnya aku menjadi amat rapat dengan Mama. Setiap pagi, bangun dari tidur, aku akan ke bilik Mama, peluk dan cium Mama di pipi kiri-kanan dan di antara keningnya... Bila aku mahu kesekolah, aku akan melakukan perkara yang sama sebelum aku turun rumah.. dan akan diulangi lagi apabila aku pulang dari sekolah dan even bila-bila aku mahu keluar rumah atau balik rumah dari mana-mana, tak pernah miss, aku akan peluk dan cium Mama.. Dan penutup setiap hari, bila aku wish good night.. Again, aku akan peluk dan cium Mama... Aku tak malu.. Malahan aku bangga kerana dapat berbuat demikian... Dan sekarang, aku amat miss untuk melakukannya.. How I wish I could do it forever.... "Mama ingat kan Mama? Dek sokmo hug and kiss Mama..?" Aku merasa amat tenang dan blessed bila aku peluk dan cium Mama... Walau setinggi mana aku berada sekarang, aku tetap anak Mama... Syurga tetap di bawah tapak kaki ibu.... Keredhaan Allah, tetap terletak kepada keredhaan ibu.... Mama, please redha pada Dek.....

Aku ingat lagi... Setiap lepas makan tengahari atau makan petang, kami (me and mama) akan melekat di meja makan, membicarakan hal-hal semasa... Bukan mengumpat hal orang lain, tetapi cerita-cerita kami... Update what happened to each other that day dan apa-apa sahaja topik yang terkeluar... I miss that so much too.... Sekarang, kami hanya berhubung melalui phone.. tidak sama... walau ada feel, tapi still, tidak sama apabila berdepan... Kami juga melakukan aktiviti together-gether... Antaranya... Kami sama-sama enrolled buat Diploma dalam Pengajian Al-Quran dan sama-sama jadi top 5 best student... hehehe.... Kami main badminton sama-sama.. Sampai ke dalam istana kami pergi main... Best sangat masa tu... Kami pergi memancing di sungai Kelantan (hahaha.. yang ni karut.. memancing kami tak buat...)...

Yang paling aku suka dan bersyukur adalah aktiviti mengikuti mama mendengar Allahyarhamah Tok Guru Mak Jah mengajar... Dari budak hingusan yang sekadar mengikuti mama, aku menjadi apprentice Arwah Mak Jah... Aku selalu disuruh Arwah Mak Jah untuk mengajuk cara sembahyang yang betul (di depan semua jemaah), rukun-rukunnya dan perkara-perkara yang wajib atau sunat dalam sembahyang yang ditanya dan di test depan-depan itu.. Syukur, aku dapat menjawap semua dengan lancar.. Barangkali sebab itu juga Arwah Mak Jah amat menyayangi aku dan Mama pun suka suruh aku 'ajuk sembahyang' depan jemaah jikalau aku mengikutinya mengajar.... Yes, Mama telah mengikuti jejak langkah gurunya, menjadi pendakwah bebas.... Sehingga hari ini.. Semoga segala keikhlasan Mama mengajar itu dibalas syurga oleh Allah s.w.t.... Amiinn...

Satu perkara lagi yang aku SANGAT-SANGAT dan TERAMAT AKU MISS adalah pergi Mekah buat umrah dengan Mama... Sebelum aku berkahwin dahulu, hampir setiap tahun atau selang setahun kami pergi buat umrah bersama-sama.. Aku akan memimpin tangan Mama dari keluar bilik hotel untuk berjalan ke Masjidil Haram, memimpin tangan Mama semasa Tawaf dan juga sehingga selesai Sae'i.. Kalau penat di pertengahan, kami akan sama-sama berhenti... Kalau azan di pertengahan Sae'i, kami akan berhenti solat... Kalau Mama haus, aku akan berlari mengambil air untuk Mama... Sungguh indah jika diingatkan kembali... Kali terakhir aku ke Mekah bersama Mama adalah sewaktu kami mengerjakan Haji bersama-sama pada tahun 2003.. How I wish, kalau diizinkan Allah, aku mahu melakukannya lagi bersama Mama... InsyaAllah.... Rindunya hanya Allah sahaja yang tahu....

Aku juga, nampak aja macam tough.. Memang tough pun.. Hehheehhee... Tapi ada a part of me sebenarnya sangat manja dan jenis nerves. Masa study dulu, kalau dekat nak exam, mesti jadi demam atau jatuh sakit. Mamalah juga yang menalipon dan cuba memenangkan aku... Dia sendiri, aku tahu risau tokleh nak ghoyak... Pernah sekali, aku jatuh sakit sehinggakan Mama dan Wae terpaksa fly dari Kota Bharu ke Penang dan duduk tunggu aku di dalam hospital, berhari-hari sampai aku discaj... Siyye sungguh ko Mama dan Wae kalau diingat balik.. Manja kededeks sungguh aku ni sebenarnya.. Dan hati-hati you all... I still manja till now... Kalau rajin, silalah layan.... Hehehe...

Kesimpulan yang aku nak cakap di sini, Mama aku memang the best! Aku sayang Mama sepenuh jiwaku.. Doaku sentiasa ada untuknya.... Tanpa Mama, tiadalah aku di dunia ini.. Dan tidaklah anda semua dapat membaca blog aku seperti now....

Mama, terima kasih di atas segala didikan dan pengorbanan. Dek berjanji dan berazam, akan melakukan perkara yang sama kepada anak Dek, berkorban apa sahaja, harta atau pun nyawa.. Mendoakan kesejahteraannnya, mendidiknya, melindunginya dan menyayanginya sepenuh hati.. Just like you are doing for me! Terima kasih Mama, I love you so much.. and I miss you! Keep on praying for me.. I need your prayers all the time.... Semoga Mama sentiasa berada di bawah tilikan dan lindungan Allah dunia dan akhirat.. Amiin.

Lagu ini khas untuk Mama...

Sebening Syawal... Apa yang Kurindukan..

Kali ini aku memilih untuk berbicara dengan bahasa bondaku... Kalau anda tak boleh bercakap Bahasa Melayu atau tak paham... tak payah baca post ni.. sila baca post orang lain...

Ramadhan semakin hampir ke penghujungnya... Hati aku meronta-ronta.. Jiwa aku mula merasa kacau dan tidak keruan... Mindaku mula terbayang wajah kesayangan ku... Kedua Ibu Bapa ku, tunggak jiwaku... Keluarga besarku, keriuhan mereka bergelak ketawa dan usik mengusik memeriahkan suasana... Sahabat-sahabatku, teman pewarna hidupku... Insan-insan yang amat ku sayangi dan menyayangi aku.... Ahhh.... I miss them all..... Aku tidak mahu membicarakan tentang malan lailatul qadar atau amalan-amalan yang telah dilakukan sepanjang bulan mulia ini di sini... Tidak.. Seperti yang selalu ku katakan.. Amalanku adalah di antara aku dan Khaliq ku... Bukan untuk ku bermegah-megah sesama manusia... Itulah bekalan ku nanti.. Kerana aku yakin, kerana aku bersaksi dan percaya dengan kewujudan Allah dan hari pembalasan di akhirat nanti... Harapanku, amalanku yang sedikit inilah yang akan membantuku... InsyaAllah...

Aku ingin membicarakan tentang kerinduanku... Apa yang kulakukan setiap tahun tanpa jemu... Rutin ramadan dan raya yang berdekad-dekad lamanya... Bukan sahaja tidak jemu, malahan merasai keseronokkan dan kegembiraan setiap kali melaluinya... Walaupun benda yang sama dilakukan, dengan orang yang sama... I still enjoy it and even more every year.... Kalau boleh, mahu setiap tahun melakukannya tanpa miss...

Perkara rutin yang ku lakukan apabila masuk bulan Ramadhan... melibatkan keluarga dan sahabat-sahabatku.... Semasa tempat mustautin ku di Kota Bharu, selang sehari atau sekurang-kurangnya 2 kali seminggu, aku dan sahabat baikku semenjak 26 tahun yang lalu, Jani, yang kekadang kugelarkan sebagai Angel, akan menziarahi bazar ramadhan... sebut aja di mana di sekitar Kota Bharu, sudah habis kami 'jajak'... Bermacam-macam juadah kami beli.. dan tidak pernah serik, walaupun kekadang tertelan 'bulb-lampu' yang menybabkan perut kami terang benderang seharian.. Well, kami masih boleh berjenaka.. Kami akan kata "jimat bill TNB..".. Everything we convert into jokes dan menjadi bahan ketawa kami... Jikalau tidak bersama Jani, rutin petang-petang ramadan adalah pusing-pusing bandar Kota Bharu dengan Wan dan Mama.. beli air tebu or air kelapa muda untuk berbuka puasa dan juga kuih-muih.. Wae selalunya akan sibuk mencari air tuak kegemarannya... Ada satu kali, kerana mencari air tuak.. kami ronda-ronda sampai ke Panji dan akhirnya, instead of beli air tuak, Wae beli tanah 2-3 lot...

Tapi, itu dulu.. sebelum aku berpindah ke Kuala Lumpur... Walaupun begitu, aku akan usahakan untuk melakukan aktiviti itu apabila aku pulang ke Kota Bharu waktu bulan puasa atau semasa dekat Hari Raya.. Selain aktiviti itu, aku juga ada misi umpama Mission Impossible dengan Jani.. Aktiviti membeli beras dan menghantarkannya ke rumah anak-anak yatim, tanpa disedari sesiapa... Aksi kami seperti lagak penjenayah yang mencurigakan... Selalunya, mula-mula, kami akan pegi beli beras di supermarket dan kemudian kami akan drive in dengan kereta topless Peugeot 206 cc Jani ke perkarangan rumah anak yatim itu, salah seorang dari kami akan turun dari kereta, buka boot dan unload berkampit-kampit beras itu depan tangga rumah anak yatim tersebut dan kami akan bergilir jika salah seorang dari kami letih memikul beras dan dengan cepat-cepat sebelum disedari sesiapa, lari masuk dalam kereta dan memecut keluar... Tiap-tiap tahun tak pernah miss..... Kenapa kami buat macam tu? Sebenarnya, kami pun tak tahu.. Cuma rasa seronok apabila memasukkan aksi misteri begitu dalam perbuatan kami... Kami memang 'gong' kadang-kadang.. Jadi abaikanlah.. Anggaplah ini sebagai aksi keseronokan kami.... Hehehe..

Pada malam tengok anak bulan Raya, selalunya kami akan berkumpul beramai-ramai seluruh keluarga besar HAMSHI di rumah Ayah Abe dan Cik Yah, iaitu di rumah pusaka Arwah Ayah Tok dan Che'... Ayah Abe akan menjamu kami semua untuk berbuka puasa dan kemudiannya, acara bertukar-tukar hadiah... Di antara mak-pak sedara dan anak-anak sedara yang sudah berkahwin... Hadiah apa saja ikut keikhlasan dan kreativiti masing-masing... Mula-mula dulu, banyak kuih-muih.. tapi sejak akhir-akhir ini, menjadi semakin kreatif seperti perlatan dapur or rumah tapi tidak terhad kepada itu sahaja.. sebagai contoh, ada satu tahun aku pernah memberi Hand-Luggage bag dan tahun lepas lipstik dari Kanada.... Keseronokannya apabila semua orang 'yyaaarrr-yyyaaaarrrr' (well, ni susah nak describe dengan penulisan) mengusik dan bergelak ketawa.. memang sangat meriah dan gumbira.... Semakin tahun, semakin banyak hadiah perlu disiapkan kerana bilangan anak-anak sedara yang berkahwin bertambah.... Tapi takpe, seronok... Keseronokannya bermula dari masa memikirkan, nak bagi apa untuk hadiah raya.. ada yang siap in advance, seperti Kak Faz contohnya... selalunya, hadiah dari dia kelas-kelas dan dia akan prepare kekadang tu a year in advance.. Excited gitumo gitu.. hehe..

Selepas selesai rumah ayah abe, kami akan cepat-cepat balik ke rumah dan acara mencarik ayam akan bermula.... Setiap tahun, Wan dan Mama buat open house hari pertama raya, bermula jam 12 tengahari. Menu wajib adalah Soto Ayam dan Satay. So, towkey carik ayam adalah Wae sendiri dan dibantu oleh anak-anak.. Ayam-ayam telah dimasak siap-siap oleh Puji (sekaranglah, dulu Marsi, Moh, Kak dan yang sewaktu dengannya). Selalunya, ayam yang dicarik Wae yang paling halus macam rambut... Ayam yang aku carik? Bolehlah.. tak halus tak besar... tapi dekat-dekat penghujung tu besarlah lah jadinya.. tapi takper.. kira Halallah yer... Selalunya, semasa mencarik ayam itu, 10-15% ayam masuk ke mulut, bukannya ke bekas tadahan.. Alah, takpe lah, malam raya kan... Kena praktislah perut sebab esok akan kena makan satu hari.... Aku selalunya akan pastikan ayam habis dicarik baru bangun dari meja.... Semasa mencarik ayam itu, aktiviti-aktiviti lain berlaku serentak seperti memasak nasi himpit... Oh ya, kelakar dulu-dulu buat nasi himpit, siap tindih dengan tong-gas nasi tu supaya dapat shape seperti dihimpit.. now senang aje, rebus beras dalam plastik lubang-lubang...

Selesai mencarik ayam, dulu-dulu, semasa ramai warga WCJ balik kampung (Kota Bharu), kami akan ke Kampung Sireh, rumah pusaka Arwah Tok Wae dan Cik Aji untuk acara memcucuk dan membakar satay!!! Yeeehaaa... memang seronok makan satay resipe Kg Sireh ni.. cukup semua rasa dan lebih sedap kerana di makan bersama keluarga. I miss that agenda.. Kerana sekarang, keluarga masing-masing semakin besar dan kadang-kadang tidak ramai yang pulang beraya di Kay Bee... so banyak kali skipped acara mencucuk dan membakar satay di Kg Sireh ini... Hmmm... Satu tradisi yang aku rasa perlu diteruskan kerana ianya merapatkan keluarga dan menceriakan hati.. But well, of course lah banyak kerja kena prepare itu dan ini.. Wallahuaklam... Ini sekadar luahan memoriku...

So, balik Kg Sireh, jam sudah pukul 1 - 2 pagi... Masa ni baru cek baju raya nak pakai esok... cari tudung yang matching dan sebagainya... Gosok menggosok kalau perlu dan tidur untuk bangun awal nak pergi sembahyang hari raya di masjid beramai-ramai... Selalunya, malam raya memang tidur tidak cukup... Balik semayang, kami akan jamah sedikit juadah di rumah, wak 'pponneyy' ore kelate kato... Kemudian bersalaman dengan Wan dan Mama serta adik-beradik juga anak-anak saudara yang balik beraya.. Termasuklah Kak Sin, Kak Nor dan Anis... Wang besarr... wang besarr... Wang besarr.... Masa ni seronok sakan kerana mendapat ang-pow besar dari Wae dan Mama.. senyum sampai kebelakang telinga (errkk??).... Lepas acara bersalaman di rumah, kami kerumah Ayah Abe untuk berkumpul beramai-ramai semua keluarga HAMSHI... masa ni juga, kemeriahan yang kalau terlepas, memang akan miss lah.. kena ada di situ baru tahu macamana... Aktivitinya adalah, bersalaman memohon kemaafan dan mengutip duit raya aka ang pau secara dalam barisan ikut susunan mak-mak sedara yang lebih tua, anak-anak cucu masing-masing... adalah dalam seratus lebih orang.... Aktiviti utama adalah mengusik mak-mak sedara dan nenek (MCB) yang memang banyak DNA (warga HAMSHI akan faham..) sehinggakan banjir.... Hmmmm.. payoh wes nak explain ikut tulisan ni.. yang pastinya, I love doing all of that and gonna miss it this year!!!!

Bermulalah acara menziarahi open house dan makan tanpa batasan.... Lepas rumah Ayah Abe, sudah tentu ke rumah Mamalong dan menu wajib dan yang ku tunggu setiap tahun (dah takder tahun lepas.. whyy?? entah...) adalah Makaroni Sup (Ayam).. Sudah.. tiba-tiba terasa nak makan Makaroni Sup (Ayam) pulaklah ni.. Hmmm.. kena gi masaklah kejap lagi ni nampak gayanya.... Ok, sambung cerita.. Rumah mak-pak sedara ku adalah bersebelahan 4 biji... Jadi, selalunya, lepas rumah Mamalong, rumah Cik Ma Ayah Yee pulak.. Menu dia... yummy... Lontong, rendang dan sambal tumis ikan bilis kegemaranku.. Tapi masa ni, aku memang ingat, masuk rumah Cik Ma, sudah 'se-eh' orang Kelate kata... iaitu perasaan 'sebu perut dan tidak dapat bernafas dengan sempurna'.... Dan masa ini juga, Wae akan menerima panggilan bertalu-talu, sudah ada sanak saudara bertandang dan menunggu di rumah kami untuk open house.... So, nak tak nak, terpaksa skip rumah Cik Nah Ayah Sae and KIV for next change... Takper, rumah Cik Nah always special... boleh request postpone.. Beress semace... hehehe...

Yang paling aku akan miss nanti juga adalah suasana open house di rumah Mama Wae... Rumah kami ada 3 hall seperti petak yang boleh diduduki tetamu, termasuk satu petak kecemasan yang kami panggil ladies lounge. Petak kecemasan ini hanyalah digunakan bila 3 petak utama tadi telah penuh dengan tetamu atau sesiapa yang memerlukan privacy dengan tetamu mereka.... Dan satu bilik, atau dining room yang akan penuh dengan berbagai juadah yang sedang menggetarkan sukmaku sekarang apabila memikirkannya, untuk tetamu makan dan berbual-bual dengan kami, tuan rumah.... So, kadang-kadang, sekali kena serang, kesemua petak akan dipenuhi tetamu termasuklah di dapur (lupa nak mention tadi... dapur pun ada ruang untuk tetamu duduk..).. Memang meriah dan happening.. tapi kadang-kadang terlalu happening, sampai tak sempat nak berborak dengan tetamu kerana sibuk berulang alik ke dapur untuk menambah juadah di hidangan... Dulu, basuh pinggan di dapur pun aku ambil kontrak. Tapi now, senang sikit, Mama dah hire 2 pembantu khas untuk membasuh pinggan pada hari itu sahaja. So, relaxlah sikit dalam bab itu... Tapi sebenarnya, semua adik-beradik dan ipar-duai sama naik buat kerja dari melayan tetamu yang sudi datang ke rumah kami hingga ke tambah juadah, basuh pinggan dan men-selekam-kan tetamu... Bila selesai open house pukul lepas maghrib... benda yang paling best dibuat adalah landing time!! Buka air-cond dalam bilik sejuk-sejuk dan merebahkan belakang.... Adushhhh... bestt....

Hari Raya ke dua adalah hari untuk menziarahi pusaka arwah yang telah terdahulu meninggalkan kami dan saudara-mara, bersama seisi keluarga.... Ala-ala Gapas gitu.. Opps... I mean ala-ala konvoi gitu... Rumah pertama adalah rumah Cik Wah Che Hashim (aka Cik Ngah Ayah Ngah..).. Aduhhh... sudah berlenjur-lenjur mulutku ini mengingatkan menu yang akan di-misskan nanti... Sup Ayam Makaroni special, satay goreng dan beranika dessert dan kuih.... Macamana ni... tidak tahan sudah... Sabarlah hati.. sabar..... Selepas rumah Cik Ngah, ikut boss besar kata nak gi mana.. kami anak-anak cucu hanya mengikut sahaja. Tapi selalunya, masuk rumah ke 4 or 5.. bateri sudah flat......

Another thing yang aku tak pernah miss tiap-tiap tahun, semenjak aku mendapat lesen memandu kereta ketika di tingkatan 5 adalah menziarahi kawan-kawan bersama Jani. Samada Jani datang ke rumah aku or aku pergi rumah Jani dan beraya dengan Mama Jani barang sejam dua, sebab aku suka cakap dengan Mama Jani dan dia pun suka layan aku sampai tak bagi Jani interprame bila kami duduk borak.. Lepas tu, habislah rumah kawan-kawan kami 'jajak' sampai malam melabuhkan sayapnyer.....

Well... all that, I'm gonna miss very much!!! Itu tak masuk lagi sessi berborak dan bergossip dengan Kak Faz dan Cik Nah... serta lepak-lepak dalam bilik Mama dan Wae serta berbual-bual kosong dan sorak menyorak bersama sanak saudara... Tapi kadang-kadang, terpaksa akur... Itulah kehidupan dan jalan yang dipilih... Kadang-kadang kita terpaksa mengorbankan sesuatu untuk mendapatkan sesuatu... Macam barang elektrik jenama Sony.. tak pernah perfect.. ada aja ciri-ciri yang slacking...

Walaumacamanapun, dikesempatan ini, ingin aku menyusun sepuluh jari (tangan), memohon kemaafan di atas segala kesalahan, sama-ada disengajakan atau tidak, dalam sedar atau lalai, secara zahir atau batin, sedikit atau banyak, daru hujung rambut ke hujung kaki.... Minta ampun dan maaf seluruhnya... terutama ku pinta dari Mama dan Wae, ampun dan maafkan anakmu ini.. kadang-kadang tidak mampu menjaga hatimu dan menggembirakanmu... maafkan anakanda yer... diikuti kemaafan dipinta dari Adik Beradikku, Ipar-iparku, Anak-anak saudaraku.. juga ampun maaf kupinta dari semua Bonda dan Ayahanda saudaraku, kazen-kazenku... Tak lupa juga semua sahabat-sahabatku yang senantiasa dekat di hatiku... Sanak saudara jauh dan dekat.. Ex-studentku dan semua insan yang mengenali aku.. Salam Aidilfitri dari kejauhan, mohon maaf lahir dan batin!!!! Sehingga bertemu lagi....

My Climb.... From the Staircase to the Ivory Tower

Yess!! The Mr Postman who has been missed by me for the past two weeks finally brought me the letter that I've been waiting for! The offer letter to join Science Matriculation (Matrics) in University Science Malaysia for two years! Yeehhaaaa!! I was sooo excited... But suddenly, I felt soooo nervous. This means that the first time in my life, I'll be away from home... Whatt???? Away from home? Can I survive? I am a spoilt little girl who gets everything that I want, simply just by saying it to my parents... And the first year Matrics will be in.... where? STAR, Ipoh, Perak... and this is an ALL BOYS boarding school. A what species boarding school??? ALL BOYS??? Seriously? And are you kidding me?... Well... the bottom of the offer letter stated in fine prints: "No! We're not kidding you! You will be the first batch of girls (60 of you!) to be placed in this school of all boys! Good luck to you! Hahahahaha!!".. Nope, I'm just joking. There were no fine prints.. but the reality was that my first year of Matrics will be in STAR, Ipoh mali, the all boys boarding school and we will be the first white rat batch to be placed there. Good luck to me!

I thought to myself.. Well, I am a survivor. I will survive... nananana.. I will survive! There will be always first time for everything right? So, the day arrived... the day that I had to leave my home sweet home to continue the journey of my life to be a better person. I saw from the car's window, my family's sad face, standing in front of our house, a bunch of them, and it was in year 1990, waving goodbye to me... and me in the car with PC Manaf driving, Mama and Wan and my things like ration (food-stuff), pail, 2 bags of clothes, hangers, mineral water, etc, etc... And suddenly I felt my face got distorted.. due to controlling not to cry... but I cried like a little baby at last!!... Abe Deen and his friend waited for me in Ipoh. I think.. if I am not mistaken, Cik Nah and Ayah San also sent me... don't really remember.. But I remember that Cik Nah was usually there during my important moments... She was my travel buddy too....

The next day was the registration day and the warden showed me my room... I wish I can call it a room... it was actually a dorm with 20 beds and 20 little cupboards, the size of the hospital cupboard, arranged side by side in a 'ngam-ngam' room, without any air-cond.. Huh?? Air-cond? Dream on.... not even fan okay!! There were 3 of them and mine was number 2. So, this will be my sleeping and study place for a year... the first year being away from home.... Not too bad... not too bad.... I counseled myself.... Huhuhuhuhu.... Not too bad waaaaaa..... In the mean-time, while I was lost in my own mixed feelings, Abe Deen and his friend already set up my bed with the white bed sheet, complete with the pillow case and arranged all my stuffs in the little hospital cupboard and under the bed... Well, he's an expert coz he was a boarding school boy! It's kacang for him... Thanks bro! And then, its time for them to go.... bubbye..... I have to be strong!

Well, it turned out to be that I had great dorm-mates... Azizah... the angel who will every night put blanket on everyone and put away the books or glasses if we fell asleep while reading, As and Narwani... the one who always laughed at my jokes - both are doctors now, Atrah.. my bedside buddy and also sat beside me in the classroom and we always said to each other that our place is like hospital ward, Cik Lin... the hot chick who is still my best buddy till now, Jamaliah.. the Sabahan, Ain.. the kind hearted Ipoh mali who always cook and brought food for us, Nik Azimah... also a doctor now, from dorm 3, but all the time sleep in my dorm, on my bed combined with Atrah's bed - she slept in the middle. But, thanks to her, because of her, the school fixed fans in our dorms.... So the nights were not boiling hot anymore. Breezy and windy....

So, the life as a Matrics year 1 student, in a boy's school begun... One hot sunny day, the first few weeks of life in the school.. A few of the girls complained that they lost their clothes on the clothes-line.. They washed it in the morning, put it there and when they wanted to collect it after class, gone! The jeans, the underwear, the shirts.. all gone! In the middle of the night, I heard a scream... someone throw a girl's underwear from downstairs to the dorm's walkway (our dorm were in 1st floor) with a few writings on it and also, the next day, you can see the boys were wearing the lost shirts and jeans... Lucky me.. I sent my clothes to laundry.. The reason I didn't wash my laundry myself was that I have to queue to use the washing clothes area and.... I was LAZY (sometimes its good to be lazy.. heheh)... So, I took the opportunity from the every weekend outing time given to us, yeah, we can only do outing - out from the school, once a week and collect it the next week. Simple, less time consuming and safe. Yeah.. living in a boarding school.. everything must follow strict rules.. Outing once or twice a week during the weekend, meals six times a day (breakfast, brunch, lunch, tea, dinner and supper), preps two times a day (afternoon after tea before sports and night before supper after dinner), sports after preps and lights off after supper... and bla bla bla.... a lots of other rules more..

I don't fancy to do preps.... Not my thing... So, an incident, I was not feeling well (well, I always report as not feeling well) and informed the warden. I was allowed to be in the dorm during the preps time. But two of my other friends, decided not to go to preps too. So we studied in the dorm, using my study light coz we have to turn off the lights in the dorm during preps because no one is allowed to be in the dorm during the preps time. That fortunate night, the warden decided to do the spot check in the dorms... Since our dorm was number 2, we could hear the warden entered dorm 1 (as there was only a piece of plywood separating the 3 dorms).. So, I quickly act sick and lied on my bed. But my other 2 friends, didn't know where to hide... and they were panicking, lastly they both lied on the beds beside my bed. Fair enough, the warden entered our dorm and turned on the lights and saw us.. I was excused.. But my two friends, when asked by the warden, they said that they were body-guarding me who was sick... and of course, got punished... pity them.. huhuhu...

There were a few incidents, that made me not to go to eat in the dining room, instead I just eat anything I brought from home or bought during outing, in my dorm like Maggi Mee, Karipap Kecil, Popia Gulung Kecil, etc etc... Mostly Maggi Mee.. Once, during fasting month, for Sahur... the girls' line was behind the Form 1 students line... I queued for more than 1/2 hour and the line was not moving at all.. So, I went to the front of the line, there was a boy, fell asleep with tray in hand and his friends were just laughing at him didn't wake him up.. Oh, common.... The other incident was that, I found an 'unknown object' in the tray while having lunch, which made my stomach wavy.. bergelora... and expansion of throat.. kembang tekok ..... and I decided, that particular day was the last day I visited the dining room.... Oh yes... about Maggi Mee.. I don't know why, since small, I have a 'thing' with Maggi Mee... No one, I repeat, NO ONE, not even Mama can touch / taste my Maggi Mee.. not even a spoon... If anyone did that, another full one packet of Maggi Mee should be replaced for me. So, life in a hostel, everything must be shared... including my Maggi Mee.. So, what I did was, every time I prepared for me, I will prepare another one for others to share... Clever huh?.. hehehe...

I don't know why, I always felt sleepy in the classroom.. Especially in the chemistry class... I still remember, our teacher, male chinese... In order for me not to fall asleep in his class, I liked to joke and laugh in his class and he always said this to me.. "Mengapa kamu ketawa tak berhenti-henti..???"... and he liked to ask me questions in class. I think maybe he saw me falling asleep all the time. One day, in his class, I could feel that it was pitch quiet and I could hear the wind from the fan blowing... I fell asleep... When I opened my eyes, he was standing just beside me and the whole class was looking at me, some of them giggling and some with the nastiest smile I've ever seen on their faces.. God knows how long he has been standing there..... and the teacher asked me.. "Mengapa hari ni kamu berhenti ketawa??"... I was so shock and from that moment, I didn't sleep in class anymore.. not even once... Common... jatuh saham laaaa......

But, living in a boarding school like this, taught me a lot of things... A lot of things changed in my life and behaviour... For example, I couldn't drink water which is not fridge cold before, but now, I can drink any temperature of water, as long as its water; I look at things differently now; I realized how important a good friend is; When you are sad, you still can comfort someone who is sadder than you and forgot about your own sadness; Lowering the wants and expectations.. and many more. Overall, I changed from a spoilt little girl to a tough mature girl who just want to climb and fight to survive! I enjoyed that life, which you just have friends, true friends to rely on... and my friends, ROCK!!!

Its time to be the real university student! Only in the second year of Matrics I got the feeling of being a real university student. We were all placed in the main USM campus, Minden, Penang. From all of the USM Matrics centre, all over Malaysia. We were all placed in Desasiswa Gemilang. The hostel for babies in the USM. It was the orientation week.. We were all supposed to be at the big football field down the hill for the afternoon activities. I still remember, one day, one of the facilitators asked us (girls), who knows how to ride a motorbike. No-one put up their hand. Maybe many know but afraid to put their hands up since it was the orientation week and the facilitator was the most fierce one among them. So, I volunteered, coz I was quite close to the facilitator... Well, I kinda made friends easily with anybody.. I could adjust myself according to the person's behaviour or way... Maybe thats my strength, even though I am a shy person (its true... why are you smiling??).... Anyway, she gave me her bike's key and asked me to get something from the hostel. I took the key without many questions... Now... I don't know which one is her bike, among the hundreds of bikes parked there. So, what I did was, I tried the key, one by one on the bikes until I finally found the bike which I could start... I made the move, sat on the seat and started the bike.. When I was about to vrooom vrooomm up the hill, I heard voices screaming and shouting behind me... "Hey! Hey! Its our bike!!! Its our bike!!! Don't take our bike!!!".. and I looked back, there was a couple, with badminton racquets in their hands, jumping up and down and excitedly waving to me..... "Opppss.... Sorry!" I said and gave them back their bike. Again, I started all over again to try the key on the other bikes until again I could start one..... This time, I idled a bit, before I vrooommmmm... up the hill... Well, what kind of bike anyway can be started with any keys? I donno... Anyway.. Life as a Matrics students was not bad.. I actually enjoyed it... I was just an underdog who happens to have a car.. Yeahh... I brought my DR2141 after the orientation week. I was neither the hot chick (my students know about this 'hot chick' story) nor the best student... I was just a girl who just want to have fun in my own way...

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I wanted to be a Medical Doctor (MD). When the result came out, I was accepted to do Bachelor of Pharmacy. I was so frustrated (at that time - now, I'm happy I did pharmacy). The first year of study was bad. I didn't study at all... I failed two papers... Chemistry and Organic Chemistry. I had to do the extra semester, while my friends were enjoying their semester break. It was a tough year for me. I fell very badly and have dirt all over my body. But, after all the support from my family, especially Mama, my friends and my seniors (Kak Hazrina, Kak Noraziah, Kak Rosmazura and a few other Kaks)... I stood back and wiped all the dirt and start walking again... Yeah, walking, not running... Coz I thought to myself, well, there will be only 3 categories: 1st Class Hons. (A) - unachievable by me, 2nd Class Hons. (B & C) - my aim and 3rd Class (D).. and my aim was not to get D. B or C doesn't really matter and of course C is more achievable... The most important thing is to have fun and maintain my QOL.... Heheh..

I started to enjoy Pharmacy and friends... Since I am a business minded person, I did Major in Pharmacy and Minor in Management. Quite tough coz I have more classes and exams due to more credits to be taken but I enjoyed and did it successfully. I was close to all my classmates, boys or girls. But my closest buddies, who were also my study group are Aslinda aka Oleen and Faiza aka Faiz. They both were the top students in the class and very hardworking. I was the playful one. Oleen was very good in explaining lessons which I don't understand until I master it and Faiz was a bookworm and perfectionist. Her (Faiz) aim was either to score A or B. I remember once, after we got our exam results, I was so happy coz I passed all subjects with 2 B's and 3 C's. So, I went to Faiz's room to ask if she wants to follow me and Oleen to the Feringghi Beach to celebrate. But when she opened her room door, her face was so sad and I asked her "Why Faiz? Did you fail any paper?" and she answered "No. I passed all", "So, why are you so sad? You got D's?" and her answer was "No. I got 2 A's, 2 B's and 1 C.. I am sad coz I got C for one of the paper"... And I said.. "Walalalalalalalala... bye!!" and Off I went to the beach celebrating my 2 B's and 3 C's!!!..

The most memorable activity I did with my girl classmates was the Feringghi project where we went there in a convoy, cars and bikes, sleep one night in a motel beside the beach and burnt some chickens and sausages.. I mean BBQ by the beach while playing cards.... one of our beloved lecturers also followed us there, Dr Fauziah. Well, those were the memories that I will not forget, dear friends: Oleen, Faiz, Ida, Jue, Ja (Noriza), Jamal, Nik Jah, Mazrina, Bahijah, Zura, Adu, Wana, Yati, Norlida, ND, Ain, Paez, Ratna, Rozie, Shahiran, Anin, Zainon, Zunaidah and Zuraida. Thanks a lot. I did have a greaaaat time with you gals!

Like in the school years, I still like to tell jokes to my classmates, boys and girls. My good listener were Zahari, Khaled, Iskandar and Pak Din. I still laugh whenever I remember the incident: one day, I was sitting behind the lecture hall with a group of friends, telling jokes and stories. Suddenly, someone tried to enter the hall by opening the back door. And I told my friends "Buat-buat tidur semua.. buat-buat tidur.." and amazingly, all of them, closed their eyes and pretend to be sleeping while sitting on the chair. Zahari was the cutest (hahaha). I knew coz I didn't pretend to sleep myself.. I was just looking at them, pretending sleeping. It was soo funny till now (at least for me..). I usually pay attention in class and a good lecture notes writer. Last time was not like nowadays, where the lecture notes were given to students in power points and the students no need to write anything in class. Last time, we need to jot down everything that came out from the lecturer's mouth and they used transparency.. which we need to write it down too. I was good in that. But I usually open the notes only two weeks before the exam, during the 2 weeks of the study weeks. Before that week, I was just enjoying Penang... Feringghi, Padang Kota, Botancial Garden, Gelugor, Bukit Bendera, Gurney Drive, KOMTAR... Oooohhhh lala....

So, during the two weeks of the study weeks, I will just study, study and study. I will eat notes, breathe notes, bathe notes and sleep notes... Nothing else and no-one can disturb me during that time. My studying buddies were Oleen, Faiz and Pak Din. We didn't like to study in the library because the library was usually full and must be quiet. Furthermore, a lot of couples with smelly shoes in it. I din't really like the environment. What we did was that we 'McGyver' the tutorial room and conquer the whole room for ourselves with a full blast air cond.. It was not actually easy to be a pharmacy student. A lot of work and readings and remembering chemical structures, formulas, etc. We had a lot of social activities and projects too, like exhibition about medicine and pharmacy at the KOMTAR and even in the USM itself. Challenging but fun!. I also involved in the business activities organized by the universities or even Desasiswa. My friends and I experienced selling from newspapers to 'kuih malas' or 'keropok segera' to hand-painted batiks.. The profit from the business was not much but the fun and bonding with friends were invaluable... further more, most of the goods were supplied by Mama and most of the time, 'hangus modal'.. hehehe.. Sorry Mama! May God Bless you always!!

As you all know, I am a Notty Professor. Well, I can't put away that title, even in the university. Again, it was April Fool. Me and friends, one night, once taped the door of the room next to me in the Desa Permai with newspaper, totally covered the whole door opening, while they were in the room and we wrote "You've been Quarantined due to Contagious Disease!, Sign... April Fool!!" and also, put a note under someone else's door and at the same time, put tooth paste on the door knob and the note said "April Fool!!". Well, I was also the victim of April Fool. Once, my friends tied empty bottles and tins with ropes behind my car and when I drove the car, it gave a loud sound of 'keletung-keletak-ching-ting-geduk-geduk-geduk' and when I stopped my car to see, it was bunch of empty bottles and tins with a note "April Fool!!" and when I looked back, a bunch of grinning face was looking at me.... Huhuhu.. and that day, I was late to my lecture.... Oh boy...... Not a Notty Professor after all..... Well... another hobby of mine was drift-ing or 'cilok' with my car and driving in Penang needs a lot of skill and patience coz it is full of bikes and everybody seems to drive as they wish.. Like there's no driving rules over there. So, driving zig-zag between cars and bikes in the city was a norm to me... the road which I used to speed was the Bayan Lepas road, straight and not too crowded road. All I need to do was to press my fuel pedal and made the 'vroom-vrooom' sound from the sporty exhaust, and there will always be a taker... Huhu...

And then, it was time to say goodbye to USM Penang because, our final year was Clinical year and will be in the Kubang Kerian, Kelantan Campus. A mixture of feelings. Sad because going to leave Penang with all the memories and good food but happy because Kelantan is my hometown - back to home.. and a lot of my friends were already in Kelantan, doing Medical Degree like Nik Azimah, Wan Haslindawani, Narwani, As and senior Kanda Rohaizan. So, as a farewell trip, I made plan with my lecturer, Dr Fauziah, to go to an island in Terengganu and to spend our time together there. So, when the day arrived, we went there as planned. We waited and waited and waited, she didn't appear. So, I decided to call her and luckily she answered. She said that she is already on the island and have been waiting for us for sooo long. After futher conversation, we understood that we were in different islands!! She was in Redang Island and we were in Kapas Island... this was due to confusion on the correct jetty.. one was Jetty Merang and the other one is Jetty Marang.... Wok ah......

I can say that Clinical year was the most challenging year in a pharmacy course. We need to go to hospital, study patients cases in the wards, satellite pharmacy, detecting DRPs, reporting, ward rounds with the medical team, TPN, TDM, DIU and many more. I remember that I made a friend with one of the patient in the psychiatric ward. She liked talking to me so much until she asked about me from my friends and even asked the staff-nurse to call me via phone at the pharmacy department to visit her. Well, I did listen to her with empathy and not at all made fun of her. I took her seriously. I think that's why she liked to talk to me. Another experience was following my friend, Dr Nik Azimah into the labour room to see mothers giving birth to babies.... I can't describe here what I saw and what I felt when I saw all that.. the only thing I can say that after I came out from the labour room, I called Mama and thank her for giving birth to me and ask for her forgiveness and at the same time I told her how much I love her. I am sure she remembers. Another touching experience was when I was attached in the ICU ward... my patients just keep on dying on me... and when I saw them died and their family's grief, I got speechless..... and thought to myself, my time will come one day and I hope I am ready at that time........

With all the experiences and skills I gained during my climb, I became a better person and ready to work for my society as a dedicated pharmacist. I got what I aimed for, I passed Bachelor of Pharmacy with 2nd Class Honours, so do Oleen and Faiz. Congrats you guys!! On the convocation day, I decided, I won't stop my climb here... there will be another mountain to climb..... insyaAllah...

Enjoy this song ...... THE CLIMB (thanks to Kanda Dr Rohaizan Yunus for this song)

Happy climbing in your life guys!!

Life.... Loss... Grief... How I Wish..

Yesterday.. I lost my beloved aunty... Bonda Mokcik a.k.a. Wan Zaidah... Approximately 8 months after my uncle, Ayah Sue a.k.a. Wan Zalik was taken away from us to a better place for him in heaven (I always pray for that..)..... Both, unpredicted..... both... in a sudden...... both, left us, their family behind because their time had come and it can't be delayed even in half-a-second.... May their soul rest in peace...... May their soul be placed together with the protected ones in Jannah... Next, it will be our time... Its inevitable... When? How? I don't know... Nobody can choose how are they going to die or when they want to die... But... everyone can choose how are they going to live and lead their life.... and still, not 100% in our control... still pending to God's will... The best we can do, is keep on trying and try to live a wonderful life and enjoy and appreciate whatever are given to us and whoever in our lives...

We always take for granted everything and everybody in our life. We think that they will be ours forever... We think that the people we love will stand by us and loving us infinitely... Forever... Right? Wrong! When we see life events happens to other people, we always think.. its not me.. its not going to happen to me... No... it will always be other people, not us. Because of that, we lived comfortably... Assuming that life will be the same 10 years from now as it is now. Everyone will still be around us.. and everything we have will still be ours. We always forget that, anytime.. ANYTIME... we might loose everything and everyone... Either we like it or not... its beyond our control... So... what am I saying? What should we do then? Well... I don't know about you... but for me... I will try to appreciate everything and everyone I have to the fullest... Let them know, their existence are significant in my life... Let them know that they are important to me.... Let them feel how much I love them and want them to be part of my life... I will not be shy sharing my feelings with them... I will say 'I LOVE YOU' to them, no matter how many times.... I will also act so that they feel, when I said 'I LOVE YOU', it really mean business! When I miss them, I will say 'I MISS YOU!' I don't want to regret... I don't want it to be too late... I don't want to be saying "How I wish, I could show him/her how much I love him/her..."... I want to live in present and looking forward for the future... not regretting the past.... For the things loaned to me by God (yes, I believe in God)... I will use them toward my happiness... I will not allow them to control my life... They 'work' for me, not I 'work' for them.... Confused? Never mind... It won't be asked in the MCQs or OSCE exam... huhu....

A simple example.... We think that we are on top of the world... We are very successful.... We have the education and qualifications which being envied by anyone and everyone.... We are very respected in our field and in what we do... We just know how to do things right.. We have the Midas touch! We think, well, of course, because I worked hard for this! I sacrifice a lot... I fight a lot.. therefore, I deserve all this.. Is it?.. Well... yes, its true.. part of it... BUT... there are also a lot of other things contributed to that... That's not the issue here... what I want to say is that.. all that, can be gone in a blink of an eye... Let's say, (God Forbid!) suddenly you have an accident and leave you in a vegetative condition and brain damage and memory loss...... or you got strike by stroke in the brain.... or simply memory loss... where goes all the credentials and expertise? Too tragic? It won't happen to us? Think again... Everything is possible and the guy next door who got hit by the bus and suffer memory loss might be you, tomorrow (again, God Forbid!)... What am I saying here? I'm sorry to disturb your feelings.. but I just want to say, remember all possibilities.. Anything can happen.. at anytime... So, what to do then? Again, I am not the encyclopedia of life... I don't know. But for me, I choose just to be humble... If I can't preserve my own memory, at least I can plant the memory about me in others mind... Of course a good memory about me.... Even whatever happens to me, people in my life will always remember my good deeds... my kindness.... and my love.... in that way, I will never die in their heart or their mind... Make sense? I don't know.. You tell me... At least that's my plan and I dont have Plan B (in Canada, Plan B is an emergency contraceptive... this is not what I mean)....

Well.. this post is just a way for me to remind myself... that in life, 'LOSS'... 'GRIEF'... 'DEATH'... can come and knock on our door, anytime.. any moment... they are even 'breathing on our face', that close... Just be prepared, dear me.... May we all lead a happy and meaningful life in this world and be protected in the world there-after.... after all, we are just human with full of hopes, wants and attitudes..... (Tell me about it!)

Again, please mind my English.. I don't have PhD in English (my kazen Miemi Hamshi is going to do it..)... last time, my supervisors proof-read my thesis... now, nobody is proof-reading my blog... so just enjoy it... you don't have to mark and do any corrections... Thanks for reading!

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Today, 27th April is my birthday! Thank You Allah for the wonderful life You have Given me and the beautiful people around me who make my life a happy adventure. Yes, I went through some bitter moments along the way but You Held my hand and Helped me through it and Made it as if it never happened before. I am thankful to You, in every breath I take and in every moments of my life. I pray so that You will Guide me and never let me astray from the correct path. I promise, I will give back as much as or even more the love I received, back to the people who love me. Please, Bless them all and Give them happiness in this life and in their life thereafter. Coz, they have done the same to me in my life.

Mama and Wan, thank you is not enough. I don't know what and how to say but million thanks (also little) for everything you both had done to make me who I am now. I won't be an optimistic, affectionate, cheerful, courageous, determined, perseveres, enthusiastic, forgiving, high self-esteem, happy and have all the positive traits I have in me now, if its not because of you both. You taught me well and even still teaching me till now. Your prayers always be with me (I know it). Your help is always a call away. The abundance of love you showered me, made me a person who is full of love and care for others. I hope you both feel my love to you too. Even though I am not with you now, I know that I left you both in good hands of Allah. I pray for your heath, happiness and joy in life and be Blessed forever. And I will not stop praying for you till the end of my life.. insyaAllah... Again, thank you for everything, even by saying it not enough to express how I feel.

My Honey and Dotter... you both are my everything! Without you, I have nothing. Your love and your presence in my life made my soul a happy spirit. What else can I say... May we be happy always in abundance of love, health, wealth and laughter. I love you both.

My families.... you are a group of fantastic, great and outstanding people! Without you all, I won't be where I am now. My life is cheerful. My life is colourful. My life is meaningful. All because you are in it. Thank you everybody for being so wonderful! I love you all!

My friends and buddies. Well.. well... the important elements in my life. Without you guys, my life will be a puzzle with missing pieces. We walk through life experience together and we learned along the way that true friends and buddies are hard to find and I am delightful to find you all, along my life journey. Thank you so much to be there and shared the nostalgic moments of my life with me. May you be Blessed too! Everyone of you is special to me and has the special seating in my heart (even in the priority First Class seat...). I appreciate our friendship and always pray that the friendship will bring us all to heaven! (Have you heard the story before? If not, please ask Mama to tell you.. heee hee). I love you all too!!

Last but not least, thank you to all that passed by my life and leave strokes of colours on my life canvas. They made my life colourful and cheerful. An abstract with its own beauty. Thank you.

Finally, my special prayers on my birthday... God, please take away all the sorrow in the people's heart I mentioned above and filled it with joy, love and happiness. Make their life easy and Blessed them with miracles, whenever they need it (in pharmacy language: PRN). Please Love them like they love me and protect them from the hatred and hasad of other people. Ameen.

Happy Birthday to Me and May Allah Bless us always!!

This song is for you!

My Trip to Maturity - Teenager... The Notty Professor!

I stood in front of the mirror.. Looking at myself trying the secondary school uniform.. Yessss!! Light blue.. no more navy blue... I am going to enter the big people's school tomorrow!! "This is gonna be fun!!".. I thought to myself.. Felt quite excited about growing up and moving on to the next level of life.... "I'm gonna rock high school and make a lot of friends!!..... and my friends are gonna enjoy my company! Here I comeee!!!" and I doze off with the new school uniform. How easy it was to make me so excited then.. just the new high school uniform.. nothing else... Huh.. kid! What do you expect? I wish it is as easy to excite me now too...

Remember in my previous post, I mentioned that my clothes were only shorts and t-shirts? Aha... now, no more.. more decent... but NEVER skirt or gown or blouse... just changed from shorts to long-pants or jeans and maintain with the t-shirts... Oh yes... still tom-boy, with short hair and still with a lot of adventurous acts... My teenager-hood family buddies a.k.a. kamceng were my aunty, Cik Sue and my cousins, Kak Ja and Abele.. They played their own role in my life and we did some things together-gether... which some will be revealed in this post. Just keep on reading... Oh, not to forget, I had a group of badminton buddies too... they were Kak Sin and gang: Alex, Najib and Tall Bald Guy (I can't recall his name!). We used to play badminton together in front of Ayah Tok's house. That's how I got my badminton playing skills coz since teenager, I played badminton with boys and they were not bad badminton buddies, not bad at all....

Talking about Ayah Tok... Mama's late father (m.p.b.u.h.). I was very closed to him. I used to play in his house and sit with him and chit chat with him all the time. He used to tell me jokes, stories, riddles and his experience in handling his business.. What strategies he used and the lessons he learned. I got a few business tips from him. I love talking to him and I love him so much. I miss him dearly.... Being a playful girl.. I still remember, he was not an exceptional from my teasers... and how I teased him one night... the story goes like this... Our houses are just walking distance from each other and so as Mamalong's (Mama's eldest sister) house. It was our daily routine that every afternoon, before dusk, Mama and Me, will go and visit either Ayah Tok's or Mamalong's house and we will sit until sunset, and chit-chat and of course munch-munch (makan laaa). Cik Ma (Father Yee) and Cik Yah (Father Brother) sometimes join the club. They were great host and Mamalong is still a great host till now. Ayah Tok's referred Mama as 'Mek Ghoghib' coz we always arrive late, near Maghrib. So, that day, we visited Mamalong's house and so happened that Ayah Tok was not there yet. They asked me to go to his house and called him to come to join everybody in Mamalong's house. It was dusk. So, naughty me got an idea. I put talcum powder all over my face, just like in Seniman Bujang Lapok, totally white, and went to ring his (Ayah Tok) door bell. I just stood still in front of his door, didn't move a single muscle. When he opened the door, he was so shock to see the 'lembaga' in front of his house during dusk that his reaction was.. "Al-Faaaatiiihahhh!!" and he started to recite the holy quran and blow it on my face... ngeeheee.... Luckily I didn't cause any harm to his heart. He was very close to his grandsons/daughters and we all love him very dearly. He was a heavy smoker. During his sick days, he was asked by Dr Nawi not to smoke anymore but he thief-thief-ly (curi-curi...) smoked a few cigarettes a day and when he was caught doing so, he will say "Alooh, lembu tok hisap rokok pun mati jugok"... He left us since 1987 but he never leaves our heart!! He left us a legacy, the respected family name, HAMSHI and we the descendants are upholding it with pride and dignity! We love and miss you Ayah Tok!

It was my kinda thing, being a 'ghost'. Ayah Tok was not my only victim. Another naughty act of mine happened in our house and the victim was Isham, my kazen - Sham, if I haven't told you before, I am so sorry Sham, sooo sorry! Riz was my accomplice. One midnight, I asked Riz to call Isham saying that I need help. At that time, Isham was downstairs and I was upstairs. I waited at the edge of the stairs (upstairs), wearing all white (praying set) and again, put talcum powder on my face and made it all white. I just stood there and didn't move (PLEASE DON'T DO THIS AT HOME!!). Isham came running from downstairs and a few stairs before he reached me, he saw me and suddenly, kelepuk, like a jelly, he felt down on his bum while his fingers pointed at me. He was totally white.. as white as me! It was soo funny for me then... but not for him. Oh my.. Suddenly I feel so bad for doing that to him. I am so sorry Sham, I regret it. Isham is now a successful PLUS Engineer and a proud father of four living with his beautiful soulmate, Lily beside him.

Ok, back to my story. As I expected, secondary school was sooo much fun. I became the joker and the story teller in my class. From form 1 to 3, I was in the Commerce (perdagangan ?) class. My classmates were Wan Rusmini (a doctor now), Wan Razanah (also a doctor), Asrenee (a psychiatrist), Jani (a lawyer), Maznizan (MBA holder), Anuja (an engineer), Wan Haslindawani (a pathologist), Lily Suzlini (a marketing scholar), Lily Juliani (a teacher), Norazlin (a chemistry teacher), Norashikeen (an IT consultant), Wan Saridah (a housewife), Yap Ean Nee (an architect), Nik Ruziani (a psychiatrist) and many more..... All my classmates turned out to be professionals and successful in their life, meaning that I was not a bad influence huh (?? tak ada kena-mengena??). Back then, whenever teacher was not in the class, everybody will gather in a circle around me, at the back of the class and I will be the story teller.. telling jokes and stories to them. I am sure that my friends still remember this! Even now, whenever we meet, I will still be their story teller but the difference is that, their kids will also gather around me and enjoy my story telling... Too bad now, I don't have anybody to tell stories anymore because I am far-far away from everyone! How I miss talking to people, in my mother's tongue... Hu hu hu....

Anyway, I was neither the bad nor the best student (humble....). But I was selected to represent school in the Science and Maths Quiz team. Something funny happened during the challenge. Our school team won the first few rounds until we represented KB district and was against PM district, to fight for the State seat. I was on the hot seat. Didn't I mention before, I have Social Phobia? Well, scroll down to the previous post if you have no idea what am I talking about. Anyway, my phobia and my nerves decided to strike during the critical challenge. It was my turn to answer the quiz and it was a tie between us and the PM team. So, our victory depends on my correct answer to the quiz. I could feel the high pressure... furthermore ZS (my school) being one of the top school in the State, everybody was expecting our team to win. The question was "What is the biggest bird in the world?"... My sweat started to fall all over my face and my nerves were killing me (damn you nerve!!)... I was totally blackout and my nerves were controlling me... I have 5 seconds left to give the correct answer.. I pressed the buzzer... trying to be as confident as I could.... "GARUDA!", I answered.... suddenly, there were silent in the room, it was so still you could hear a pin drop.... but at that instant, the whole room burst out so loudly like there was a bomb dropped in the room...... "HUARGGHHHH.... HAAAA HAAAAA...... GARUDA.... HAHAHAHAHA... WARGHHHH... WARGH......".. everybody laughed their guts out to my answer... and of course, we lost the battle........ sorry guys!! Hahaha! I still laugh whenever I remember that incident! Seriously, GARUDA??? What was I thinking???? Eagle or Chicken would be a better answer!! Do you know what is the biggest bird in the world??? Heheh...

My sweetest memory with my form 3 friends was our Dikir Barat performance during the teacher's day. Me and Jani were the choreographer cum the Tukang Karut and Tok Jogha for that act. My friends will remember that and we captured the video which I still keep it till now. The show was a hit that the school requested us to perform again the next year. It was a very sweet memory which is kept tightly in our nostalgic events of life collections.

There was an April Fool trick that I put on my friend and want to share with you guys. It was 1st of April and its April Fool day guys! So, I approached one of my friends (my victim).. OK, before that, our school was girls only school, ZS, and our neighboring school was boys only school, SIC. Back to my story, I approached my friend and told her ... "Mc XX, your name is written everywhere in the SIC school washrooms!!" and she went ..."Err...Why??" .... I explained (with innocent face) "You know, that day, you were sitting in front of your house wearing skirt, and you were unaware that you exposed your torn red panty. Coincidently, one of the SIC boys passed in front of your house and saw that! And he knows you. So now, he told his friends about you and they wrote the graffiti all over in their school washrooms that 'Miss XX wore torn red panty'!!" ....... And my friend left me running to the washroom crying.... and I guess she didn't hear me shouted, "Hey! April Fool!!!"...... Mannn.. I didn't realize that I was that notty!!

During my school years, I was not a bookworm. I didn't actually read books a lot. My style was to concentrate in the classroom and make sure to understand whatever the teacher taught us and approached teacher with questions if I didn't understand any of the topics. I am also a last minute 'study pulun' person, which this habit followed me till the university. One of the reason was that, Mama will scold me if she saw me with books all the time. She will say "Study wak gapo gak Dek, nyo pah lah tu!".. So, as a good daughter, I listened to her. Therefore, I seldom study at home... huhu... But I master the past years questions. I did as many questions as my hands could lay on it. I remember once, one of the past years mathematic questions book had a few wrong answers and I detected it. So, I wrote to the STAR newspaper editor complaining about that and mentioning why it was wrong. They published my letter and a while later, the Publisher contacted me to say thank you! I have a very good relationship with the teachers. They all know me well and I am sure they still remember me, the notty but 'not bad' (humble again) student. Well, talking about being naughty, the teachers were also my victim. I once, locked my English teacher (late Cikgu Satimah, m.p.b.u.h) in the tuition centre for a while and she called me "Jepun zalim!!" for that... Well, I didn't actually left her there, I just locked her for less than five minutes and I opened the lock after that... Gurau jah... huhuhu... But she knew that I was just joking and being naughty. She knew me well... Even the most fierce teacher was my friend. I don't know why, I didn't get scolded by the teachers. Maybe because I did all my home-works on-time, scored well in all exams and concentrate during classes, despite of being playful and notty. Well, I guess they were happy with me coz I got all As for the SRP (PMR now) exam...

After SRP, we all move on into the real high-school, form 4. Because of the different results we got for the SRP, all of us (me and friends) were separated into different classes. Me, Dr Rusmini, Dr Asrenee, Dr Wan Razanah, Dr Wan Haslindawani and a few others were in 4 Science 1. Jani, Maznizan, Norazlin and a few others in 4 Science 2 and Lily and a few others in 4 Science 3. I really missed my friends and want them to be with me, especially my best buddy, Jani (she is still my best buddy till now!). So much so, during the classes, when I was bored and missed Jani, sometimes I asked permission from my teacher to go and see Jani in her class, saying that I have "Mugo" to tell her. So, I went to Jani's class, asked for Jani and when she came to me, I just whispered in her ear, "Mugo!" and then I went back to my class. That's all. My bench-side buddy was always Dr Rusmini. We sat beside each other every year. I remember, one day, I was very sleepy during Geography and it was not my favourite subject. The teacher was our HM (head-mistress), Pn Hasnah. Everybody was afraid of HM. But she was always nice to me. I couldn't open my eyes because I was sooo sleepy. So, I put my head down on the table trying to sleep and I told my partner, Dr Rusmini, if HM ask, tell HM that I have headache. Fair enough, HM came to my table and asked my partner, why is she (me) sleeping and she answered as I asked her to tell, that I have headache. So, quietly, HM said "Ok.. let her sleep.. don't disturb her! Class, let's not be too loud because Zie is having headache..!".. heheheh... so I doze off..... Zzzzzz....

After enjoying the honeymoon year, in form 4, I was more serious in my study during form 5 coz this was the SPM year... the important exam which can lead my future... I would like to thank Cikgu Illani for helping me and giving me extra classes in her own house to make sure I understand the chemistry and additional mathematics subjects which I had problems understanding it. She taught me tirelessly until I really understand all the lessons. Thanks a lot Cikgu Illani. Anyway, knowing my character, the most I did was that I just gave better attention in class. I am who I am. I can't suddenly transform into a nerd or a bookworm. This year, I was elected as the President of Badminton Club and represent school in single and doubles (Jani was my partner) and was quite active. When I exactly turned 17, I got my driving license and drove myself to school everyday with my blue Proton Saga Aeroback, DR 2141, a birthday present for my 16th birthday. I sometimes was late for school, very late, like 1 hour late... But I know really well how to camouflage it. What I did was, I will look at the timetable and waited for the teacher to change between subjects. I will arrive school exactly at that time, send my school bag through the broken window, at the back of our class to my classmate who sat there. Then, I will wait for the teacher to change and I will walk in the class through the front door, as if that I just came from the washroom. Got it??? Sneaky rite?? Well I got away all the times without being caught!!

I love my DR2141 so much! I enjoyed driving it. I remember how crazy I was in modifying the car. Initially, I equipped it with power-amp, sub-woofer and 10 + 2 speakers and twitters connected to a powerful player. That made the riding experience superb as if as you were in a concert. Later, I made it more sporty in its look by cutting short the two front tires springs and changed all of the rims into sport rims with wider and lower tires. This made the car lower. I also tinted dark all the windows. Then I made it more powerful by changing the exhaust system to a 4-2-1 and attached to a sporty exhaust. The sound it made when I press the gas paddle was like so 'merdu', I just loooovee it!!!.... Vrrroooommm.... vrooommmm... Well guys, it was in the 80's and that was the mode back then, modifying a Proton Saga to a Porsche!! What do you expect?? Anyway, this attracted the boys, Zarul, Mat Din, the boy with a BMW, etc. in my tuition class to race with me. So, whenever I went to the extra class, after class, we went chasing each other in town. Sometimes I won, sometimes they won. But above all, me and my girl-friends had so much fun! But well, of course Wan and Mama didn't know about this until this point, until they read this post! I hope my daughter won't repeat this act of mine... huhuuhuu.... I was the owner of this car for 6 years until I sold it when I was in the 3rd year of university.

My out of school activities were also interesting. Me, Abele, Jani and Lily used to go picnic at Kebun Pok Teh. Sometimes Cik Sue and Kak Ja followed. It's a small orchard with a few fruit trees and a small river. Whenever the fruit was in season, we went there to pick the fruits and sometimes we picnic at the river bank.. dived in the river... built raft from banana tree stem.. cooked maggi mee using fire which we made from dry tree branch... while at the same time enjoying the fruits... ala-ala kampung gituww... Just like kampung kids.. huhuhu... While other girls enjoyed playing with dolls and soft toys, I enjoyed playing with the bamboo gun which I made myself from scratch, gin rummy and black jack... Remember everyone (to whom it may concern)?? How we played black jack? Where we use rubber bands to replace money.. and how I won a lot of it!! I am sure you still remember all that!! Also we played gin, stayed up at night and didn't sleep till morning.. I still remember and it was so much fun!!!

Talking about bamboo.... I will definitely not forget an incident.... It was during fasting month, near Eidul Fitri. Have you heard about 'meriam buluh'??? Its a kind of cannon, made from big bamboo. Where one end you put the wick to light it and you put a mixture of explosive things inside the bamboo. So, when you lit the wick, the 'meriam buluh' suppose to give a big explosive sound. Ok, so, this 'meriam buluh' thinging was Kak Sin's job. I remember that he just got married and his wife, Kak Nor worked in Klinik Pancho. Kak Nor worked night shift that day and she already told Kak Sin not to play with the 'meriam buluh'. But Kak Sin thought it was going to be fun. So, he still set the cannon, put it facing the main road and lit the wick... but it went off half-way.. So, Kak Sin went to see, and all of the sudden, it lit back and KKKAAAABOOOMMMM!!!! It exploded on Kak Sin's face!!! His face turn black like a charcoal but luckily, just that, no injuries at other part of his body... Me, as the Notty Professor got an idea. I called Kak Nor, "Did you hear the explosive sound?" and she answered "yes! it was very loud (her work place was just across the street from our house)!! What was that??" and I said "It was Kak Sin and his 'meriam buluh'! It exploded on his face and now he is injured everywhere, his face, his head, his body.. bla bla bla... You should come and see him!". As soon as I hang up the call, I set up the stage. I asked Kak Sin to go to his room, sit on the bed and mummified him with bandage and put some fake blood (I always have this in stock!) on it. He looked so 'kecemasan'!!. And I asked JJ to sit beside him with a very sad face... (Good job JJ!). Poor Kak Nor came running home from work... and when she entered the room and saw Kak Sin. she cried.. "Siiinnn...!!!" and me and JJ left the room, leaving them to have alone time together and we closed the door... I din't know what happened after that... "Tum pase ayee... yoo muskudayee... kuche kuche ho ta hai..."

I enjoyed going outings with my BFF.. Jani and Lily. We, a few times went to KL together and slept in my aunty's house, Cik Nah or Cik Awi or Cik Nor. We had sleep overs, where most of the time, they came to sleep in my house. We supposed to study in a group revising the lessons. But that never happened. We ended up playing gin or watch videos. I remember once, we went outing to KB town. We ride on the trishaw where Me and Lily sat on the seat and Jani had to sit down. I pity the old guy who cycled the trishaw.. It must have been difficult for him to move the trishaw with three of us sitting in it.. He did say "Matilah pokcik kalu kena gateh lagu ni hari-hari mek!!".... huhuhu... That day also, Jani's sandal was broken and I suggested a brilliant idea to her that to cover her feet (the side which the sandal was broken) with 'plastik gelenya, a.k.a. plastik rok-rak'. So, we ended up attracting attention a lot people on the street with the new sandal model....

After all the hard work (really?)... I successfully completed my high-school and my SPM results were good enough to bring me to my new adventure... the university life!! I got accepted to do Matriculation in USM. Wooohooo!!!Here I come!!!!!

Me Needs a Break...

Me, needs a break now... Let's listen to my favourite motivation song to boost up our spirit... Enjoy!!

My Ambition and My Adventure to the PhD Land, and the Lessons Learned Along the Way

I have a dream! I have a dream!! I have a dream!!! Hrrmmmm... not going to use that phrase... too familiar (kudos to Martin Luther King, Jr.!). But never-mind. I loike to use it. After all, I already acknowledged him. So, no plagiarism issue involved here... When I was 15, I decided that I want to be a Doctor, a psychiatrist. Yes! That was my childhood ambition. I want to be a psychiatrist. That was when I was 15. Let's see... more than 20 years later (am I that old?).. am I a psychiatrist now? Nope (my friend Dr Asrenee is)! But I did exactly what I wanted to do if I were to be a psychiatrist. I am very satisfied and happy with where I am and what I become now. Am I frustrated that I didn't become a psychiatrist? I was but then I learned, all of the time, in our life, things happen for a reason. We should look back into our memory lane, only we can see that every single incident that happened in our past, had a reason behind it and it make sense now.. why this and that happened the way it happened and sometimes not according to our wishes and wants. We would not be able to see the rationale at that particular time (the time that the 'things' happened). But if we be patient, have faith in God. Redha. Let him do his agenda. Wait. Not far in the future, we will be looking back and say... ohhhh... that's why, luckily it happened that way. I wouldn't know that this way was better. At least that is my believe. Make sense? Up to you.

When the reality came to the surface that I was not going to be accepted into the medical school, regardless of all the efforts me and Wan did - appeal, private university search (no private college offering medical course at that time), etc, etc.. I accept His will that I am not going to be a medical doctor. Period. This was after hours to days to months of counseling, advising, giving spirit and motivation from my great beloved Mama, without being tired or fed-up! Thank you mama! You have always been there when I needed you the most! Thanks for the prayers too!!

I then graduated my pharmacy degree in 1996. That was the year I met my soulmate. There you go... His agenda was there. If I were to be a medical student, I wouldn't be graduated that year and would have not meet my fate that way. Anyway, I enjoyed very much being a pharmacist... But I felt like not fully satisfied... thats it? This is too ordinary. I want something more. More challenging. After getting the blessings from Honey and family, went university hunting for doing MBA and finally I got 3 offers from three different universities. I chose UiTM, Machang because I don't have to travel to KL for attending the classes (the other 2 were in KL). It was a challenging 2 1/2 years... a 2 1/2 years of sacrifice, hard work, sacrifice and hard work..... the situation was tough for me.. I had to juggle between managing a company, being a wife and at the same time an MBA student... and, MBA needs a lot of readings, research, presentations and project papers.. Isn't it Ayeh (Farikh Hamshi)? But with support, love and prayer from all, I successfully graduated in May 2004.

On my graduation day (MBA), I already had in mind that I want to taste the sweetness of the PhD land... By hook or by crook, I have to take the adventure to the PhD land! Out of the blue, a friend of mine who was the Head of Department at the Faculty of Pharmacy, IIU, Kuantan invited me to teach Pharmacy Management subject in her university. I was a little reluctant because I kinda have society phobia.. Meaning that, I am shy to talk and give lecture in front of a group of people. This was my biggest weakness. But then, I learned that the only way to handle a weakness is to deal with it. So, I dealt with my fear and before I could even remember, I became an invited lecturer in IIU, teaching Pharmacy Management. I started to like teaching. At the same time, I still manage my business and practice as a community pharmacist. I also got a few invitations to teach the same subject in UiTM and pharmacy practice in UKM.

To cut story short, after facing a few hurdles, I finally registered as a PhD in Pharmacy student, by research - part time at UiTM on December 2004. Big thanks to my cousin, Wan Hasmadi for helping me throughout my studentship. My supervisor was Prof Dr Abu Bakar Abdul Majeed and my superb co-supervisor was Assoc Prof Dr Lua Pei Lin. They were both superb and fantastic. They made my PhD experience interesting and bareable. And the adventure to the PhD land started....

My research initially was to study and measure the ethical practice level among the Community Pharmacist in Malaysia and to see if there is any intervention can be done to enhance the ethical practice level. Well... I am not going to dive into the technical details here.. I will definitely eat you brains out if I do so!! You're not going to read about the literature review, methodology, Pharmacoethics, statistical analysis, p value, statistically significant, APA style reference, validity, reliability, Hypotheses, Null-Hypotheses, t-test, Anova, Kruskal Wallis test, Mann-Whitney U (not Whitney Houston ok!), Factor Analysis, test-retest, .. and the list goes on and on and on and on and on............... Nope. I am just going to share my challenges and experience. Not my 200 over pages of thesis (show off!! sorry..). Don't worry..

At this time, I hold three jobs - a community pharmacist and a business owner, a lecturer and a PhD student and not to forget, my responsibility as a wife and to the society. It was heavy. Not bearable sometimes. At some point through the journey, I felt I bite more than I can chew....

The first biggest challenge was to get the pharmacists' participation in the pilot study. But with the help of my pharmacists friends, Oleen and Faiz, by using their networking, I succeeded the task. It was a lot of work to be done. I thought it was easy but it was nothing near to easy. But possible. I made it possible because I have a bunch of great cousins helping me with some of the process... If Wan Hasmadi, Oleen, Fieky Hamshi and Fadhlan Hamshi didn't help me... I don't know what would I do and I am certainly sure the process would be longer to complete. Thanks guys!

I faced a few tragic events of my life during the adventure. The biggest one was I lost my baby @ 26 weeks. I got demotivated and set-back.... I still remember the day of the tragedy.. It was the day that I had to attend the compulsory statistical analysis class.. a full day of brain and energy... I drove by myself to SA and everything happened that day, all in a sudden.. the next day, we lost our boy (thanks Kak Faz for visiting us that night!)... I went in my own in-denial world at the beginning and later into depression and blaming myself for what had happened. I couldn't accept it. I got all the support, sympathy and care from my Honey and family. But deep inside me, the cut was still bleeding and painful. I couldn't let it go and move on. Luckily, during that painful period, God sent me someone, her name is Poey Poey. She had faced the same experience that I faced. So, she understood really well my pain and agony and the guilty feelings inside me.. She was my shoulder to cry on at that time. Any time of the day, when I called her, she answered my call and listened to me tirelessly until I felt better and one of her advice which woke me up from my own nightmare... she said, "God has a duty for you in this world, search for it". I don't know why, I snapped and woke up. And thanks God, He didn't let me (and Honey) to be sad long. He quickly replaced our boy with Suri, the best replacement that we could get, ever!

The next biggest hurdle was I couldn't do the interventional study we planned. After a year, only 2 responded to our study. We need at least 200. At that time, I was 3 1/2 years in the study and initially I planned to finish it within 3 years!! I need to finish this PhD!!!! I suddenly got an idea. We were going to the States for my Honey's study for 6 months. So, I thought, that's it! I am going to compare Malaysia and the States, using the same instrument. So, that was what I did, we went around USA, East to West, with Suri on the stroller, I approached the community pharmacists to participate in my research and experienced being scolded, chased out from the pharmacy, but also a lot gave their co-operation which made my research successful and all that, I did either with Suri on the stroller or Honey and Suri waiting outside the pharmacy... What an experience!

The next hurdle, when I came back home from the States, I had to present my progress report to UiTM. Sadly, I was skinned alive in the torture room. They criticize my 4 years of work. The problem was, they were not the people in the same line of my research. I did quantitative social research and they were lab and clinical researcher... of course they wouldn't understand and appreciate my piece of work. The worse thing, which made my supervisors unhappy and disappointed with them when one of them whisper in my ear after I finished the presentation, "the examiner will just throw your thesis in the dustbin!".. Hey! You crossed the line man... and burnt the bridge! War declared!! I mean common, so, if my work was not worth it, what were my supervisors doing? At this point, I already won 2 medals locally and internationally for my research and also presented it locally and internationally (Japan and Australia). Just because you didn't do the same thing we were doing, doesn't mean that our job has no value and yours are better! But I was determined. I was confident. My piece of work worth a PhD! And later, I proved that they were WRONG!!

The final and most challenging and difficult step was thesis write up... Arrgghhh... read read read and write write write.. I remember, I had to lock myself in our study room for nearly a year for the whole process! Pity Suri and Honey.. I just came out from the room to sleep, cook and play for 1 hour with Suri. The rest.. work in progress...But I had a few buddy who accompany me online when I was bored or tired. One of them was AD (Snubnosse). Thanks AD layan me... Also not to forget, thanks my research assistant, Fizah. She motivated me with my writings, without even realizing it. Oppss... sorry, becoming acknowledgement chapter.... Back to story, I started writing in June 2009 and submitted my first thesis draft to my supervisors in Sep 2009. He was not too happy with it. I was requested to rewrite 70% of the thesis and change 50% of the literature cited to a newer literature. I was suppose to at least read and cite 200 literatures/books/etc... Adoilaa adoilaaa (ouch ouch).. Nak selops dah ni (almost fainting).... At that time, I have a workload of a giant!!! From my company and CUCMS (the uni I work with as Senior Lecturer) and I really felt like OMAIGODDD!!! HELPPP!!!... like that...

Finally, my final work piece was ready! After being revamped and reviewed a few times by myself and my two supervisors... At this time, I felt like vomiting green (beraso nak muntah hijau), I submitted the full thesis for defend on Mar 2010. They called me to defend it on the 1st September 2010. My examiners were from UMS, University of Auckland and UiTM.

The VIVA day..... My supervisor was in the room. I felt confident. I was prepared with all the bullets to defend my thesis, my research. I left Suri with Kak Faz and Dira (thanks). The battle started.. I felt comfy in Jay-Jay's blazer (thanks JJ for lending me your wedding gift blazer to be used in that day). I presented well. Conclusion: all of the examiners were impressed by my work especially the USA parts. They said it must have been tough and costly for me to perform the study. I said yes. After questions and answers sessions, the chairman ask me and my supervisor to go out of the room for them to discuss about my verdict. After 10 miserable minutes, we were called back into the room.

The VERDICT: "On behalf of the examiners and UiTM, we all agreed that you are qualified to be awarded a Doctor of Philosophy in Pharmacy degree with minor amendments to your thesis" read the chairman. Congratulations!! And all of them, including the examiners, raise on their feet and congratulate me... Congrats DR W SAZRINA W ZAID! (Abe Deen said, they stand because I am automatically becoming one of them already and its a gesture of welcoming me to the club!). And me... still in shock and overdose of adrenaline.. is this true? I passed? I passed? And they all said, YES!!! You PASSED DR WAN!! Alhamdulillah.. Finally!! Its all over! Lihatlah dunia! Lihatlah dunia! Thank you to both my superb supervisors, everyone in the family and friends for all the support, sacrifice, prayers and motivation!!! I finally end my adventure and reach my destination, the PhD land!!

So... now you are a DR... I thought to myself, what next?.. Hrmmmm ... Bo bo lah! Pade la tuh!!